Friday, January 1, 2010
There's Plenty - Greeting the New Year With Open Arms
I resolved to be less afraid, more confident of our survival, the generosity of the universe in 2010. Not in a woo-woo, let's sit down and chant an affirmation kind of way (though that's probably not a bad idea)but in a practical, confident, relaxed attitude that lets me recognize that things really DO work out.
This little sweetie spent almost twenty four hours curled up in the garden in front of our house this summer - I could have opened a window and reached out to pet her. And I spent the day worried. Where was her mom? Why did she leave her for so long? Did she get hit by a car? How could we help the poor little orphan? I peeked out that window at her every hour or more. She never looked worried - sometimes she got up and stretched, obviously bored with snoozing all day in the midst of the bee balm.
I went to bed a midnight with a heavy heart. Our baby was still there, still unclaimed. I read all the warnings that you must NEVER interfere, that a mother will reject her baby when she returns if it smells like humans. But what if she didn't return?
In the morning, baby was gone. No sign of trouble (believe me, I've heard trouble - that's another story and there's no missing it), no sign of injury. Mom just returned home good and late, baby hopped up and they moved on. All my worrying was for nothing.
That's my lesson for this year; things work out. Worrying changes nothing. I am not so smart that I can figure out how things will work, but they'll work just the same.
Will things change? Absolutely. That's the nature of this life. But it'll be okay. My job is to do what I do, stretch myself a little farther, try new things and enjoy the process. That's all any of us are supposed to do.
I'm going to practice acting "as if" and see if things don't fall into place a little easier than when I try to bull them into position.
First order of business - stop fretting about this book. Just write it. Stop worrying if I'm interesting enough, compelling enough, if the stories are strong enough, if I'm exposing my innards too much, if anyone will want to read it, if it'll get published, if it'll sell. All I can do right now is write it.
Second order of business - relax about money. I'm incredibly lucky to have a job and a steady income. It seems very ungrateful to not be willing to simply find a way to live within those limitations for now. There's no saying that standard of living can't improve dramatically, and if I relax and do my part it probably will. For now, I will appreciate that fact that there are ways for me to be comfortable within the present limits, giving me room to explore those possibilities for growth.
Final order of business - let go of the past. The past decade was so traumatic, so full of wrenching change and loss that I've spent most of that time trying to figure it all out, to admit my angers and resentments and feelings of guilt and remorse. Time to move into the letting go phase. I can look around and really see now, see the terrific guy I love, my two very different and amazing children who are now young adults, see the people from my past and the people I know now and appreciate them. I'm sick of being in my own way.
That includes all the problems in this world. They'll hit me, I know. I'll react. But I'm going to try to remember that things will, eventually, work out. I'll look for the positive things to help move that along.
The 2010 decade, for me, is about finally allowing myself to be happy, just as I am, just as things are. It all really IS okay.