Stephan and Patrick Are Getting Married

Stephan Hengst and Patrick Decker are in love and they're committed to each other, but they're not allowed to get married in New York. Lots of gay couples are in the same boat. Some of them go to other states to get married because New York, ironically, recognizes same sex marriages from other states but still doesn't allow it within its borders.

They promised each other they wouldn't get married until it was legal in New York and it looked like it might happen this year. Then the steering wheel fell off the Senate and legislators spent the month of June staring at each other from opposite sides of the road. Marriage equality became a political hot potato: "I'll give you this if you'll give me that." So despite the fact that the governor says he's in favor of legalizing gay marriage, despite the fact that the Assembly has twice voted for marriage equality, it's still illegal. Which should give Senators pause, as the gay voting block is a very active and well funded one and trust me, Senators, they're angry.

Stephan and Patrick went to dinner at a local restaurant and the conversation somehow came around to I Do I Amsterdam. It's a contest sponsored by the city of Amsterdam - yes, THAT Amsterdam - to show support for equal marriage rights in New York. Why are they getting involved? Henry Hudson, a fine Dutch boy, sailed up the Hudson River for the first time 400 years ago and New York's making a big hullabaloo about it this year. So Amsterdam thought it might be appropriate to nudge the grandkids and remind them that being tolerant doesn't bring on the end of civilization. Amsterdam's still there.

So the contest is this: five couples who meet the incredibly strict criteria will be invited to be married on a wedding barge on a canal in Amstersdam on August first. Four of those couples live in Holland. The fifth couple is Stephan and Patrick.

The rules were that one partner had to be Dutch and the other had to be a New Yorker. And, of course, they had to be gay. Stephan was born in Holland, though he's live in the US all of his life. Patrick was born in New York. Patrick said their friends laughed when they heard they'd won.

"Who else could win? Who?"

So they're pulling together everything necessary for a whirlwind, last minute European trip and they're getting married on August first. The ceremony will be streamed live on the Internet so their friends in the US can see it.

Why did they change their minds about waiting for it to be legal in New York? Stephan says he sees this as an opportunity to bring the issue back to the public's attention and show it for what it is; not an attempt to undermine marriage, but an effort to give an entire segment of the population the same rights as the rest. Marriage offers benefits that are far different from civil unions, including health benefits, the right to file taxes jointly, an unquestioned right to be involved in legal decisions regarding your spouse. Rules regarding gay marriage right now are a hodge podge...in one state you can do this, in another you can't. In one state your civil union is considered a marriage, in another it means nothing.

Stephan and Patrick are sweet guys. They love each other. They're going to make it a legal commitment. They'll be married when they come home from Europe. And if New York ever makes it legal, they say they'll renew their vows in a state that finally welcomes them.





Hear the story on Northeast Public Radio

Americans - We Love Our Excess

I concluded last night that we truly are an excessive people, we Americans. I don't say that critically, although it is also one of our worst faults. Last night I loved us for it.

KB took me to Albany, New York, last night to witness the annual fourth of July fireworks. I've seen them before - one year from the fire escape outside my downtown apartment, once from the off-ramp near the epicenter at the Empire State Plaza, once from a distant hillside with my then-baby son.

I've never seen them from right on the Plaza.

In recent years, we've restricted ourselves to the local fireworks, which I think are pretty impressive. But this year KB's son and his young family were visiting and it seemed a perfect place to meet.

We arrived around six. The place wasn't too crowded and we wandered, bought something to eat and waited while we watched the crowds grow. It was a gathering of babies and young children and the arrival of KB's two young grandchildren instantly inserted us into that set - grownups with kids. As the sun set, we found a spot in the center of it all and little K2 was hoisted on his dad's shoulders. They live in a small town down south and neither mom nor K2 had ever seen a big city fireworks display. The baby just doesn't care - nor did she change her mind as the show began.

The whole display, sponsored by the local supermarket chain, takes place across the street from the capitol, where our senators have been refusing to work for almost a month. I looked to see if any of them were there with their noses pressed against the window. The governor hasn't been able to do much, but he has demanded they keep coming to chambers.

So it began - a carefully choreographed show combining music, ground lights and massive, sky-splitting displays. It really was amazing. I found myself grinning and looked over to see K2 doing the same. They even timed it so when The Who sang, "Love...rain on me..." a heart appeared in the sky followed by a shower of silver sparkles. Pretty impressive.

It went on forever and got progressively louder...and then we heard the opening notes of "The Stars and Stripes Forever."

"This," I yelled into KB's ear, "is going to be manic."

It was. I think it is not only possible but likely that they used as many fireworks during that finale as they did in the entire rest of the very generously lighted display. A series of fireworks were all exploded at once, creating a massive cloud of smoke, light and noise that seemed to swell out toward the crowd and cover us all. I covered my ears and yelled. KB was grinning like a kid. K2's eyes were blue saucers. The baby sucked on her bottle. Then they did it all over again.

When it was over, there was a collective exhale from the crowd and loud applause. And I had to love Americans in that moment.

Where else in the world do crowds of people all over the nation gather once a year to watch pretty lights and hear loud noises? We are kind of silly that way but it may be the thing I like best about us. I'm sure all nations have their own brand of foolishness.

I think if we could all meet on that ground, that place where we're all just big, goofy kids, we'd find our common humanity is a lot bigger than our cultural differences.